


It's Like I'm Looking Down From the Ceiling Above, Never in the Moment, Never Giving Enough

by monaquinn



Series: You're the Only Friend I Need [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Being gay in the 80's is hard, God this one hurt to write you guys, Hurt/Comfort, Robin and Steve are BEST FRIENDS and you can't tell me otherwise, Robin is so insecure my poor baby, Russians are talked about negatively but its the 80's so please let it slide, Some slight unwanted advances occur from Tommy but nothing serious, Steve and Robin centric, Steve is so supportive, Steve is totally bisexual but doesn't know it yet, i love these two!!!, one use of the f-slur, underage drinking/smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 23:19:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19799836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monaquinn/pseuds/monaquinn
Summary: Steve had never had a best friend before. Other than Tommy, but that relationship was one built on status and a little fear, each only using the other for mutual benefits such as status and a possible smoke every once in a while. But having a best friend, heck- even a friend, had never seemed like a real tangible thing to Steve before until Robin had come along. Now he had someone he could sing along to Wham! songs on the radio with as they danced around the frequently vacant Family Video. Now he had somebody to ride shotgun in his car as they sped down the interstate highway, screaming till their lungs wore out. Somebody he could smoke a joint with as they lounged on pool floats in his backyard. Now he had someone he could share things with, someone he could talk to when the shadows of dusk crept along his soul and told him that he wasn’t worth it and that he was a failure, a washed up nobody with absent parents and had clearly peaked in high school.He wished she could talk to him, though.





	It's Like I'm Looking Down From the Ceiling Above, Never in the Moment, Never Giving Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I literally haven't written anything in a good two years, most likely because I've been going through my own shit but am seriously ready to come back on here! Robin is literally my new favorite character and oh my God I love her and Steve so much. Best friends. So pure. 
> 
> Anyways, all my warnings and such are in the tags. Enjoy!
> 
> (Title is from "Why am I like this?" By Orla Gartland)

To Steve, the days went slower now. The kids, who in all honesty he was too old to be friends with anyway, had all gone off to school as the warm summer days began to turn into cold winter nights, and the world was thankfully no longer in need of desperate saving (as far as he knew, anyway). His life had become an endless drone of normalcy, loneliness, and boredom, waking up every day to the same empty house with the same empty parents and the same empty future with the same old boring old job.

Except for Robin. Robin, with her chain-loop choker necklaces and messy hair that never seemed to fall in the right place. Robin, with her wise crack’s about his seldom to no movie knowledge and inadequacy at picking up girls. Robin, who for a brief moment over the summer, when he was deliriously drugged out of his mind thought he could love.

And he did love her, he really did. Just not in the way he had loved Nancy or, quite frankly, any other girl that had come into his life before. He loved her as a friend, not quite in the motherly way he loved Dustin and the brotherly way he loved Max, but as an equal. An equal to sling ice-cream with and maybe defeat a few of those damned commies along the way.

He loved her for the way she would come over in the middle of the night, no questions, and sit on the edge of his bed as he cried and cried about the mistakes he had made, the things he had seen, and the constant threat of doom that seemed to lurk over their shoulders. And when Robin cried, she could count on him to act the same.

Steve distinctly could remember a time when Robin had looked him dead in the eyes, on one of those dark sleepless nights when the only thoughts that could fill his head were of that thing destroying Billy. That monster taking out someone who had always been such an impenetrable fortress to him, sucking the life out of the bully until all that was left was a lifeless shell of a teen boy.

“I wonder if we are all the same” He had said to her, “When we go… do we all look as vacant as he did? God, Robin. I don’t know what it all means anymore.”

Robin took a deep breath, looking down at her fingers, picking away at a stray cuticle. It took her a long time to respond until she finally opened her mouth and said, “You, know. I dream sometimes.”

“Bout’ what?”

“Bout’ what would’ve happened if I didn’t talk.”

He stared blankly at her. “Whatta’ you mean by that?”

“In the room underground with the Russians. If they had killed you, knocked you out so hard that all the lights in that big beautiful head of hair of yours went out. Sometimes I dream that I didn’t spill the beans- didn’t tell them our secrets. In those dreams, I stand there paralyzed while they torture you. And I try to stop them, but it’s like I’m in this big pool of syrup and can’t move, can’t save you. And when I wake up I start to worry because I think that I lost you, think I lost my fucking best friend before I could ever even have him.”

Despite the general discomfort of her statement, Steve couldn’t help but crack a small smile. “Best friend, huh?”

“Shut up Dingus, you know what you are.” She had replied, ruffling his hair.

Steve had never had a best friend before. Other than Tommy, but that relationship was one built on status and a little fear, each only using the other for mutual benefits such as popularity and a possible smoke every once in a while. But having a best friend, heck- even a friend, had never seemed like a real tangible thing to Steve before until Robin had come along. Now he had someone he could sing along to Wham! songs on the radio with as they danced around the frequently vacant Family Video. Now he had somebody to ride shotgun in his car as they sped down the interstate highway, screaming till their lungs wore out. Somebody he could smoke a joint with as they lounged on pool floats in his backyard. Now he had someone he could share things with, someone he could talk to when the shadows of dusk crept along his soul and told him that he wasn’t worth it and that he was a failure, a washed up nobody with absent parents and had clearly peaked in high school.

He wished she could talk to him, though.

After the incident in the bathroom that occurred during the week when the world seemed to go to all hell, Steve never brought back up Tammy Thompson or the idea of liking woman, unless it was applying to him. He figured Robin would talk about it when she felt comfortable, figured Robin would speak. But she never did. Pretended the whole thing had never occurred, made it like she never told him.

Steve wasn’t blind though. He noticed how Robin kept a ripped out page of a magazine ad featuring Brooke Shields in the drawer next to her bed, folded up nice and neat so if her parents went rifling through her stuff they wouldn’t suspect a thing. He noticed how Robins' eyes stayed transfixed to the shitty old TV in the break room of the Family Video when it played newsreels of Bille Jean King, or pictures of all the poor suckers who had died of aids that day. If he knew how to reach out, say something along the lines of ‘hey, it’s all gonna be okay for you someday,’ he would have a long time ago. But he didn’t know how. It was uncharted territory for him.

And it was all okay for a while, until the day Carol came back to town for Christmas vacation.

In all honesty, Steve could barely remember the girl, even though he had hung around her and Tommy mostly every day in high school. He could remember the grating sound of her voice and the bubblegum she chewed obnoxiously every day. But anything substantial? No, nothing came to his mind. She had gone off to some college in Ohio, off to make new shit-head friends to get wasted with.

However, here she was, in the Family Video, inviting him to her New Years Eve party Saturday night. After he had refused she batted her eyelashes and pled, “C’mon Stevie, it would be nice to get the old gang together.”

“Um- you guys kind of dropped me after first semester of last year, in case you forgot.”

“Well,” she sighed, “water under the bridge now right?”

“I guess so” Steve cast a forlorn look to the floor, trying to memorize the swirls of carpet under his beat-up sneakers.

“Just think about it, kay?” Carol said before she turned on her heel and left.

Robin looked up from the stacks of movies at him incredulously. “Stevie?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I don’t know either,” he replied, moving to sit up on the counter, shifting when she propped herself up next to him.

“You gonna go?”

He laughed, reaching out to touch her arm. “Only if you go with me.”

She pulled away as if he had just slapped her. “You’re kidding.”

“Why would I be?”

Robin seemed to mull over the issue for a few seconds, tracing her finger along the cool metal edge of the counter, until responding with, “Like I’ve said before, I’m not like your other friends.”

“They aren’t my friends,” He interrupted her.

“Steve. Let me finish.” She sighed, jumping down. “I’m not cool. I don’t do parties. Heck, I don’t even do friends. Other than you, granted, but you kind of fell into my lap through the circumstance of evil Russians under the mall. If you take me to Carol’s party, it won’t end well. I can’t read social cues, for one thing, and- ”

“You don’t know that. I’m not gonna have fun if you aren’t there. Think about it this way. It’s free booze and a bunch of jerk-off kids- we can sit in the back yard and drink and make fun of them. It’ll be fun!”

“Fine.”

He hopped off the counter to give her a fist bump. “Hell yes! We are going to fuck shit up!” Robin gave him her toothy grin before he uttered the famous last words, “You have nothing to worry about. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?”

A lot, apparently.

———

Carols party was, as expected, filled with a bunch of jerk offs and an abundance of free booze. However, what was unexpected, was Robin’s outfit. All he had ever seen his best friend in, other than that atrocious Scoop’s Ahoy sailor’s uniform, was an array of baggy jeans, paired with cut off t-shirts and tank tops, and maybe the occasional flannel shirt if she was feeling adventurous. But never a dress.

But here she was, in this little black thing that made her look like this whole other girl, look like someone who he had never spoken to in his entire life. When he had picked her up earlier that night and gaped, shellshocked, as she entered the car she bopped him on the head and had said, “It’s still me dingus. Start driving.”

In all honesty, he didn’t like this new look. It didn’t feel right, didn’t feel like Robin. She still had her ugly necklaces and bulky boots on though, so he decided to drop the issue entirely.

Like he had promised, the pair wasn’t social throughout the night. They sat drinking on the steps of the back porch, sharing a cigarette, talking smack about the couples that would occasionally make-out within eyeshot.

“Oh, Shit!” Steve laughed at about eleven thirty, elbowing Robin in the ribs, “Look over there! Tammy Thompson just got rejected by Mark Lewinsky!”

“No way.” She chortled. “Where?”

“Twelve o’clock.” Her head spun in the proper direction. “Looks like Little Miss Muppet is gonna cry because he won’t be her new years kiss.” He briefly worried that he had overstepped a boundary, went too far, because Tammy Thompson was loosely related to the “gay thing,” but Robin didn’t seem to mind. He began to hum Total Eclipse of the heart, her joining in shortly after until they both tilted their heads back in hysterical laughter.

They were interrupted by a tight-gripped hand on Steve’s shoulder. Steve looked up, meeting the ice-cold brown eyes of Tommy H. Shit. “Hey Tommy,” he growled.

“C’mon Harrington,” Tommy replied, edging his way through Robin and Steve, sitting down between the two. “Are we still playing at this high-school shit? Beside’s its all over now, none of us live in Hawkins as permanent residents anymore, except for you, of course. Gap Year.” He said the words with malice, and Steve felt the world crumble around him. God, did everyone know that he didn’t have his shit together in the slightest?

Pushing back any respect he had for himself, Steve smiled and through gritted teeth said, “Yeah. Guess you’re right.”

Tommy patted Steve on the back. “Attaboy. Now onto more important things, who is this slice?” He said, motioning to Robin.

Robin inched away as Tommy moved closer. “This slice is Robin, and she can speak for herself.” She said, narrowing her eyes into little slits.

“Ooh. Feisty. How come I haven't seen you around before, Robin?” He said, leaning into her.

“Aren’t you and Carol still dating?” Steve interrupted.

“Eh, On and off, you know how it is,” Tommy replied before focusing his attention back on Robin. “Now hush, Steve. Let the girl speak for herself.”

“Um.” Robin stuttered, clearly off her game by this unwanted male attention, before regaining her confidence and saying “I go to Hawkins. Year below you. We had Algebra together last year.”

Tommy gaped. “No way! Nerdy clarinet girl? Damn. You got fucking hot since last year.” Robin looked as if she was about to collapse onto herself and all Steve wanted to do was grab her hand and pull her far away from this awful place with these awful people. “You dating Steve?”

“No!” Steve and Robin both blurted out at the same time, causing Tommy to grin.

“I’m gonna go get another drink” Robin finally said, trying to break the tension. “Steve. Wait for me here, I’ll be right back.” Stumbling, Robin made her way up the porch steps and into the kitchen, pulling down her dress.

“And that's my cue to leave.” Tommy said, his shoulder brushing against Steve, “Your girl is hot, by the way. Shame I’m gonna have to take her from you.”

Steve rolled his eyes, knowing that would never happen. Even if Robin was into guys, she would never go for a douchebag like Tommy H, Steve knew that much.

A pit of dread began to form in the depths of Steve’s stomach with every minute that Robin didn’t return. Robin can handle herself, Steve thought to himself, trying to quell the anxiety that was beginning to run rampant. His bottle was about to be empty, and he could use that as an excuse to go to the kitchen he supposed.

Finishing off his beer, he headed into the room crowded with drunk members of his graduating class that he had hoped to never see again in his life and looked for Robin. She was by the kitchen counter talking, well- getting talked too, by Tommy. He didn’t seem to be taking her repeated refusals as an answer. He grabbed her shoulders playfully and she nudged him away, pouring herself a drink. Vodka mixed with cranberry juice and an orange soda, her own personal invention, which Steve had told her multiple times was the most disgusting thing he had ever tasted in his life.

He was gonna beat the shit out of Tommy, Steve decided. Robin wasn’t a fighter, she could spit in Russian’s eyes and throw fireworks at monsters, which was pretty badass in Steve’s humble opinion, but wouldn’t survive throwing a punch at Tommy’s head. Not that Steve would either. If he started any fights with his old friend he probably wouldn’t live to tell the tale. He was willing to risk it, however, just to get him away from her.

Before he could make it over to the kitchen island where the pair was standing, the loud screams of his former classmates interrupted him. They shouted, beginning to count down the seconds until 1985 turned into 1986, all grabbing a partner to share the night with, trapping Steve in the throes of drunken kids. He felt a tug on his shoulder, and spun around to see Tammy Thompson looking at him with shy but expectant eyes, “I’m sorry but I can’t right now I-” he began, as the seconds dwindled down to three, two, one.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Tommy grab Robins waist and pull her in for a deep kiss, her eyes growing wide as saucers as she shoved him away from her and ran through the swarm of teenagers, out of the room, and down the hall.

With a hasty apology to Tammy, Steve quickly followed Robin, barely being able to make it into the empty bathroom behind her before she could slam the door.

Robin gripped the edges of the sink and stood, panting, looking at herself in the mirror. Steve could see the tears pooling up in her eyes that seemed to be a lot bluer than before. She hastily tried to blink them back and put her head down. Locking the door, Steve remarked, “I should’ve gone with you.”

“No. I would’ve gotten mad that you thought I couldn’t handle myself or some shit.” She said quietly, then resumed the silence, looking at her reflection with a face that could only be of one emotion; disgust. Steve itched to do something, but he didn’t know exactly what was wrong, or what he could do to make it better.

After an impossibly long time, Robin began to laugh. Loud boisterous laughter that ricocheted around Carol’s obnoxiously grandiose bathroom. “My first kiss was with fucking Tommy Hitchcock. Can you even believe that shit?”

Steve furrowed his brow. Her first kiss? That had to be impossible. Steve always had thought, in his imaginary backstory for his friend, that she had probably fucked a couple of girls at band camp or some shit like that, but wouldn’t tell him because of the whole ‘don’t talk to Steven about the gay thing’ thing. He opened his mouth to say something but was too stunned to make a sound.

She grimaced. “Yeah. Ha-ha. Laugh it up. C’mon. I’m fucking eighteen years old and haven’t kissed anyone before. Hysterical.”

“Robin, it’s okay-”

“Is it? Is it really?” She threw her hands up in the air. “Because I’m beginning to think it isn’t. I’m beginning to think that it isn’t okay. But there isn’t anybody who would want to kiss me here, because I’m…abnormal. No other girls are abnormal! No girls are going to want to kiss a fucking faggot like me because… because…” Her laughter turned to noisy sobs and she buried her face in her hands.

Oh, oh God.

Steve fought through the pain that rose in up in his chest, the pain that occurred whenever somebody he loved was hurting, and immediately embraced his friend in the tightest hug he had ever given. She collapsed into him, her face falling into the niche between his collarbone and shoulder, tears wetting his t-shirt.

They stood like that for a long while. Him, rubbing circles into her back, her, crying into his arms. Steve looked for the right words to say, he wasn’t good at talking about other peoples feelings, after all, that is why Nancy had broken up with him. “It’s okay,” he stammered, “It’s going to be okay. You can talk to me, you know, you never talk to me about- about things.”

She jerked away from him, furiously wiping at her eyes. In their short but substantial six months of friendship, he had never seen her cry like this, not once. “You-you sure?” She hiccuped. “Because I thought-”

“Well, you thought wrong.”

“Oh.” She stammered. “Okay.” She sunk to the floor of the bathroom, putting her knees close to her chest. Steve noticed that she had put on her favorite pair of bicycle shorts under her dress. Classic.

Robin took one of her chipped nails and began to trace the grout in-between the tiles, not meeting Steve’s eyes even as he slumped down across from her, their knees brushing against each other.

“So…”

“So.”

Steve sighed, knowing that he was going to have to open up the pandora’s box of Robins emotions, because she damn well wasn’t going to do it herself. “The thing you told me back on July fourth in the movie theater bathroom, I’m okay with it, you know.”

She hiccuped, furiously wiping at her eyes. “I’m sorry that I told you, it’s just that I wanted to stay your friend, but didn’t know how to reject you without telling the truth, and Jesus, I was drugged out of my mind.”

“Why are you sorry? Like I just said, I’m okay with it Robin. I accept you.”

“I- It’s just. It’s just that I’ve never told anyone that before.”

“What? Not even like your parents or something?”

For the first time in what seemed like ages, Robin met his eyes. “God, you are such a dingus. That’s got to be the stupidest thing you’ve ever said, and I’ve seen you try to kill a fly with a rainbow sprinkle and a straw.”

Steve mulled it over. It wasn’t like there were any gay people in Hawkins, at least any gay people that he knew of. Robin couldn’t just waltz into her kitchen and announce to her parents that she preferred girls over boys. That could end badly, she could end up getting sent somewhere, or worse, kicked out.

Robin didn’t seem to really mind his dumb remark, and continued, “I mean. I’ve said it to myself before. In my room, when I’m sure my parents are asleep in the middle of the night. Just to hear the words aloud, you know? Just to make sure it’s real. And like- It’s annoying. It’s annoying to see you with all of your random hookups and past relationships, because I want that. It’s not like I want true love or anything, I just want someone, or something, at least once. I don’t think that it’s too much to ask for, you know? And God, it’s not like I’m the only person like me. I see on the news, I see people like me. But they all live in California or New York City and shit like that. Sometimes, it feels like I’m the only person in all of Indiana who thinks like me. And I dunno’… I just feel wrong. Like I’m sick in the head or something. That's why I wore this stupid dress and even let Tommy try to talk to me tonight. I wanted to enjoy it, wanted to feel like a normal girl. But the whole thing, the outfit, the idea of kissing Tommy- it just repulses me.”

Steve ran a hand through his hair, trying to formulate exactly what he wanted to say. He could make a joke and play it off, like he had done that day way back when, or he could reach through and pull his friend out of her darkness. He decided to choose the latter. “You aren’t sick in the head Rob. You’re like- the best person I know, and this thing, that you’re gay or whatever, only adds to it. You’re brave. You were brave to tell me in the bathroom that day, and you’re brave to be able to understand and accept who you are. Heck, If I was gay, I would probably just repress it so hard that I wouldn’t even notice.” At that comment, there was a slight mirth in Robins' eyes that he couldn’t place, but decided to ignore. “People like Billy Hargrove are sick in the head. People like that Russian doctor and all his buddies are sick in the head. You, my friend, are far from that.”

Robin pursed her lips and let out a small sob again, her eyes pooling with tears.

“Fuck. Did I say something wrong?” Steve exclaimed, reaching out to grab her shoulder.

She shook her head, “No.” she finally choked out. “You said everything right. Thank you.”

“Damn. Never thought I would live to see the day you said those words to me.” He joked. “Bow down, everyone, bow down to Steve 'Says Everything Right' Harrington.”

“Don’t get too big a head.” She gave him a tearful smile, elbowing him in the shin and making her way over to his side of the floor, placing her head on his shoulder.

He ran his fingers through her hair, humming quietly for a few moments before saying, “I want to talk about it with you. Girls, or whatever you want to call it. If you are feeling upset, or hurt, or goddamn angry, because you have a right to be angry, just give me a call. I want you to be able to talk to me about the stupid stuff too, like if you think some girl who walks into Family Video or something is cute, or whatever. I’m always here. It’s not like I have anyone else to talk to anyway. You are kinda my only real friend my own age around here, If you haven’t noticed that already.”

She smiled her big toothy grin and let out a soft chuckle. “I love you, you know that right?”

“Yeah-yeah.” He nudged her playfully. “You know I love you too.”

Intertwining her hands with his, they sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments, both knowing that all the words that were once left unsaid had been spoken, just enjoying the company of their best friend.

“And Robin?” Steve said.

“Yeah, Dingus?”

“Next time you wanna talk to me about this kinda stuff, I would really prefer it wasn’t on the floor of a bathroom. It seems to be getting kind of unsanitary at this point.”

“Oh shut it.” She laughed. And at that moment, on the floor of Carol’s insanely large bathroom, Steve knew that everything was going to be all right.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment if you liked it and/or want to see something else! Planning on making a bunch of one-shots of Robin & Steve, maybe some of them talking to the kids? You tell me.


End file.
